mushmallow

"Ano bang mas mahirap... 'yung pag-aralang mahalin ang taong nagmamahal sa 'yo? O ang umasang mamahalin ka ng taong mahal mo?"

I was watching "Got 2 Believe" for like the gazillionth time, and yet (dahil siguro sa sounds, hindi kasi maganda ang sound engineering ng movie na 'to pag sa cable e!), ngayon ko lang narinig nang mabuti ang linyang 'yan ni Toni (portrayed by Claudine Barretto).

Time out muna from my daily rants about work... nakakasawa na rin kasi. (Hehehe! The movie's OST is playing on my WinAmp... Aliw!). Time to blog about something cheesy and mushy naman.

My classmate/friend, Leah, has always been asking this particular question for almost practically every year na naging magkaklase kami: "anong mas gusto mo, taong mahal mo o taong mahal ka?" And every year naman, as if hindi ko pa siya nasasagot, nag-iisip muna talaga ako for like 5 seconds before answering.

Ngayon, hindi ko na kaklase si Leah, yet the movie posed the same old question to me again. And now, it took me the whole night to figure out the answer.

Before I answer, konting liko muna. Looking back, na-frustrate ako. Honestly. Thinking about it, those times in my life that I consider "heartaches" turned out to be just mere "frustrations." Malaki ang difference e. Frustrations are just for things you weren't able to get. Girls (or women) for example, na I never get the chance to even date, or merely tell them na I admire them ("admire" na akala ko noong mga panahong 'yun e "love.") How do I know it's not love? Two things: I'm able to move on that fast, and I never imagined spending the rest of my life with them. True, it could've been great kung naging girlfriend ko 'yung 4th year crush-ng-bayan (na naging crush ko nung Grade 6 pa lang ako, mahilig talaga ako sa mature ehehe!), or 'yung charming cute transferee nung 1st year high school kami (whom I shared the same likeness to Britney Spears, if I could remember), or that cute-and-super-kulit seatmate I had nung Grade 6 ako. Well siguro totoo minsan 'yung sinabi ni Sam Milby as Lance sa "Close to You": "I believe in puppy love... first love... whatever you wanna call it. 'Coz it stays with you... I know. Mine did. [sabay tingin kay Bea, at sabay lagok ni John Lloyd ng beer. ehehe!]" Pero hindi rin.

So, Choi, konek sa question? Hmm... I heard you ask that. Hehe! Ang konek: I really can't answer the question dahil seemingly, never pa pala ako na-in love nang todo all my life. And I believe it takes a person to experience such to answer the question. Ang labo naman ng "sino mas gusto mo, crush mo or crush ka?" Pambata di ba? Parang G-Mik at Click. Ewww!

Right now, medyo confused na naman nga ako. Before going to college, I believe I'm deeply in love with this girl na lately ko lang naging ka-close. If you're pretty, has a good sense of humor, at madalas kong nakakasama, matakot ka na. Chances are nadedevelop na ako sa 'yo. [Maliban na lang po kung editor or senyor kita sa Plaridel, or matanda ka sa akin ng 5 years, marunong naman po ako rumespeto. Ahihi!] 'Yun nga 'yung nagyari sa akin. Na-develop ako sa kanya. In love daw ako sa girl na 'yun sabi ni Master Choi. Hanggang ngayon I'm still into her and can always imagine her being the mother of my cute, smart, healthy twins. I have a code name for her: Wallet. Simply because nasa wallet ko ang photo niya pero wala naman kaming relasyon (take note, binili ko pa ang picture na 'yun sa isang friend na walang pakisama pero my business mindset. Hmp!)

Then nito lang, lately lang, a major blast from the past occured (recently, nung super down ako, isa 'to sa mga reason). I was a stupid sophomore back then. Sobrang petty nung fight, pero pinalaki ko. Reason: kasi that time mahal ko na siya pero alam ko never niya akong mamahalin, so pinalaki ko 'yung petty fight just to push her back. As in siya talaga ang nag-sorry for everything pero I pushed her back. I needed space, sabi ni Master Choi. So matagal siyang nawala by the end of that year, wala kaming contact. My mind got off her once in a while, pero madalas ko pa rin siyang maalala nun. Then recently lang, she's back. I'd like to give her Codename: Asian. Asian features e.

Weird thing is, I suddenly almost forgot about Wallet and the feelings I had for her pagbalik ni Asian sa buhay ko. So akala ko, I'm so in love with Wallet, pero hindi pala. Nandun pa rin 'yung feelings kay Asian. I wasn't really able to move on pala. And to be honest, I'd really love to spent my whole life with Asian. Suddenly hindi ko na alam kung ano 'yung naramdaman at nararamdaman ko. Akala ko "love" na 'yun, pero parang hindi pa. Was it just a long-running infatuation kay Wallet? Frustrated lang ba ako kay Asian, tapos ngayon gusto ko na siya ulit? Have I really loved Wallet or Asian during those times, or admiration lang talaga...

So it seems that I really can't answer the question. Hindi ko na naman alam kung na-in love na nga ba ako or what. I suck when it comes to love. Hindi naman ako Don Romantico tulad ni Teen housemate Gerald. I might be a writer *someday* that might have brilliant love stories in mind, pero pucha, sarili kong love story wala pa sa page 1.

Weird kasi ang concept ko of love and relationship. Wala pa akong naging girlfriend. Kasi my concept of a girlfriend is someone I could have forever. I had relationships na hindi naman seryoso, tamang fling lang, at hindi sila counted. Gusto ko girlfriend na eventaually e wife na. I believe ganun ang love story ng nanay at tatay ko. Wala pang 1 year 'yung shota stage nila, nagpakasal na agad. Ataterz! Pero a, never ko pa sila nakita mag-away. Tamang inisan, pero not to the extent na may mga lumilipad na plato at nagsusulputang maleta at layasan. Kaya siguro ganun din ang concept ko.

Sa experience ko, palagi na lang ako ang nagmamahal, never pa 'yung ako 'yung minahal. Or at least I thought, malay ko ba kung meron diyang may gusto sa 'kin. Puta, feeling 'no? But just a hypothetical answer: I'd rather wish for that someone I love to love me back. It's a selfish answer honestly. Kasi in the process, unfair ka sa sarili mo e. And unfair ka sa kanya dahil hindi mo siya pinapalaya from your hopes. Pero sorry, sabi nga ng 'N Sync, "you can call me selfish, but all I want is your love." Well, if you chose otherwise, mas lalong unfair sa sarili mo. Dahil you deserve to be happy naman e. A ewan!

Ngayon, after this blog entry, umaasa akong mababasa 'to ni Joe D' Mango, pero hindi ng Thomas o ni Asian. Yeah, sa laki kong bulas na 'to e takot akong magpakita ng emotions. So hanggang ngayon sana huwag nilang mabasa 'to. Bloghoppers who don't fucking know me are always welcome. Thanks by the way for dropping by.
Hay! Ang mushy! High school na high school! Yayks!

Sabi naman ni Lorenz (Rico Yan) kay Toni in the end, "I don't believe in forever, Toni. But... I've found forever in you." Umaasa pa rin akong magagamit ko ang linyang 'yan. Sana, sa lalong madaling panahon na.

P.S. Find Robert Langdon. Ahehe! Naalala ko lang ang Da Vinci Code. Loser Choi watched it alone. Ka-text ko si Asian habang hinihintay ang movie mag-start. Yari! Sana huwag talaga niya mabasa 'to.